Scooter Lite

I died so the Aaron Miles' of the world might plague baseball as heroes.*

I saved this quote the other day and knew it had a place in the Baseball Cliché Translation Project, I just couldn't figure out where:

Aaron Miles, an infrequent starter but valued by La Russa for his energy in day games...

Just when I was going to give up and throw it to the general public (our three weekly readers) for suggestions, it hit me. Phil Fucking Rizzuto's actual HoF Plaque:

Phil Rizzuto overcame his diminutive size to anchor a Yankees dynasty... The Scooter was a durable and deft shortstop, skilled bunter and enthusiastic base runner who compiled a .273 lifetime batting average....Upon retirement, he spent 40 years as a popular Yankees broadcaster.

For those keeping score at home "enthusiastic baserunner" had Rabbit Maranville turning over in his grave.....with joy. When Scooter's plaque was unveiled, Rabbit got the monkey off of his back as the HoF member most damned with the faintest of praise.

PLAYED MORE GAMES, 2153, AT SHORTSTOP THAN ANY OTHER NATIONAL LEAGUE PLAYER. AT BAT TOTAL, 10078, SURPASSED BY ONLY ONE NATIONAL LEAGUER, HONUS WAGNER. MADE 2605 HITS IN 23 SEASONS. MEMBER OF 1914 BOSTON BRAVES "MIRACLE TEAM" THAT WON PENNANT, THEN WORLD SERIES FROM ATHLETICS IN 4 GAMES.

Of course, Rabbit harbored twin shames. He neither inspired alliteration on his HoF plaque - "durable and deft" - nor parlayed his mediocrity into a four decade career announcing. Aaron Miles, on the other hand, still has the chance to be the Moon Man of his generation....

Spring Training BCTP

For all of the Ball Four fans out there.

Here are a couple of more installments from the Baseball Cliché Translation Project:

GM: "He'll bring a lot of excitement to the team."

TRANSLATION: Expect him to set the team record for getting picked off first.


MANAGER: "He really has a great feel for the game."

TRANSLATION: Greatness may have eluded him on the field, but before he's done in this game, he'll be the gold standard for bench coaches.

Translations

General Manager: "He's had his problems, but we're confident they are behind him."

Translation: He just found Jesus and we're hoping like hell he doesn't misplace Him before October.


Manager: "The press shouldn't jump to conclusions. You don't have all the facts about
his relationship with this young lady."

Translation: Of course he was screwing around on the road, but he married the first woman he ever fucked in Class A ball and she's heinous.

BTCP Goes All Contemporary On Ya

"Another seeing-eye single! I'll hit .400 yet."

Tony La Russa on the earth-shattering Josh Phelps signing: "He's going to be given the chance to make the roster because he's a guy when he comes to the plate gets your attention."

Translation: A 38-year-old Pete Incaviglia in a grass skirt and pumps also got my attention at the plate. Unfortunately for him he lacked the photo of me being teabagged by a Great Dane that could have earned him a roster spot.

h/t to the Goat.

And here is a bonus and apropos BCTP. Believe it or not, it was the next one up on the list for posting:

Manager: "He hasn't done anything to hurt his chances at a starting job."

Translation: He hasn't done anything to help his chances at a starting job.

Time For More BCTP

With the holidays past and pitchers and catchers reporting in less than six weeks, it's time for a few more installments of The Baseball Cliché Translation Project. Without further ado:


Manager: "He worked really hard in winter ball."
Translation: We heard he spent a lot of time in Domincan whore houses.


Agent: "He gives 110%"
Translation: He's in the final year of his contract.


General Manager: "He'll be a good influence on our younger players."
Translation: He's spent the past few years beating his drinking problem instead of his wife.


Agent: "He's a Bob Gibson-like pitcher"
Translation: He's a pitcher. He has a fastball. He's black.

Double Shot BCTP

"One of us shall remain an unnamed pasty, ballless prick. The other is on the left."

As a shout out to JoMo in a dreadful off-season let me offer up these gems:


General Manager: "We're negotiating in good faith."

Translation: His agent is a prick.



Agent: "A lot of clubs have expressed interest"

Translation: He received several nice Christmas cards from ex-managers.

BCTP Continued

"Bud Smith's 75 mph heater is on the roster, right?"

Manager: "He's 'sneaky-quick'."

Translation: There is no objective measure by which this guy can be said to have a fastball, yet sadly he still isn't the rag arm of our staff.

A Nice Tan Is The First Ten Pounds Of Any Decent Diet

I just signed a huge five year contract. Did you really think I was going to waste my off-season eating tofu and pumping iron?!?!

Time for another installment of The Baseball Cliché Translation Project. Fuck it. I'm not going to type that out every time. From here on out it's called BCTP.

Manager: "He is really showing us a lot in the early workouts"

Translation: He showed up at camp 40 pounds overweight.

The Baseball Cliché Translation Project

Even naive 10 year old Midwestern boys knew the Cardinals weren't going to win the pennant with my fastball. On the other hand, my penmanship is nothing if not stylish.


Since everyone should have something useless and unproductive to work on during the off-season (as opposed to the industriousness of drinking beer and watching baseball all summer), GASL is launching The Official Baseball Cliché Translation Project. See it's genesis here. This announcement will come as a surprise to the boss, IM, but what the hell.

I've already got about sixty baseball clichés assembled (real and fictional) and I'm going to post them over the off-season. If anyone has any to add, put them in comments. And we're off....

Manager: "He's just got a couple of things he needs to work on in the off-season."

Translation: His fastball and his off speed stuff.