Fucking Cubs...Again

"Let me just drop trow and perform a little colon blow on all you baseball fans again."

Once again, MLB has fucked me over. I got to see Friday night's Cards/Cubs game on WGN and Sunday's on TBS (their broadcasts are a pleasure to watch compared to pretty much everything else out there). Of course, the lone victory in between was blocked out here on FOX so we could see the Yanks/Red Sox play for the 1,267th time in four years.

It is wonderful to see this Cardinal team playing so hard and winning some exciting games. Still, I'm growing weary of announcers who constantly extol the team's grit and determination for want of much else to praise. All in all, I'd happily return to the days of yore when they were slack-jawed at our offensive production and a staff that was piling up quality start after quality start. I think it is safe to say that one World Series title from a shitty division and post-season overachievers is the quota and we're more likely to get our next pennant and/or championship from teams of the 2000-2005 ilk. I'm afraid I don't see the horses on this team to pull it off. As one friend put it to me this morning: "Playing from behind at home against your arch rivals all Fourth of July weekend is a crime."

Oh well, I promised not to bitch about this club. It's hard to believe we're 10 over .500 and still within 4 games in the loss column a week ahead of the All-Star break. If we can manage to hang around within six or eight games until September when we have two series with the Cubs, this will be one helluva season.

It probably bothered Ms. Young, too

This was the headline the Post-Dispatch chose for the game story about Thursday night's assault on the San Diego Padres: "Pujols: 'It did bother me.'" The headline for the same story on Stltoday.com was "Pujols: 'It's tough. It's real tough.'"

Let's look past the pronoun 'it,' lonely without any antecedent to claim for its own in either headline. Instead, let us ask ourselves whether the lede of this story should be El Hombre's reaction to his line drive hitting Padre pitcher Chris Young.

In the story's third paragraph, we learn that

The gruesome aftermath traumatized Pujols, who admitted having little desire for the remaining innings of his team's 11-3 win.

And we have to wait until the sixth paragraph to discover

Young suffered a fractured and lacerated nose but never lost consciousness. He was assisted from the field and taken by ambulance to a local hospital where he remained overnight.

Umm, I'm all for the hometown paper covering the hometown team from a hometown angle, but is Albert's losing the will-to-play-on really more important than the extent of Young's injuries? This is not to say that Pujols' reaction isn't important--it absolutely is. But the headline's job is to identify the story's core. I mean, hitting someone with a line drive might indeed be tough, but not, I suspect, nearly as tough as being hit by a line drive.

Commercial Considerations

As I was watching the end of the Blues game last night, wondering if I should enjoy the victory (which is preferable: a meaningless two points or a better chance in the lottery?), one of the Blues ubiquitous “Bluenote” code commercials came on. You know the ones—the commercials where members of the team talk about “good being the enemy of great,” and saying the code means doing “whatever it takes.” When the season started, we didn’t know that “it” included having one of the worst power plays in the league. We also didn’t realize until later that while “good” might be the enemy of “great,” it is still damn close friends with “mediocre.”

Why were these commercials still running at this point in the year? What could they be generating for the team: increased revenue and greater ticket sales, or increased sarcasm and reduced credibility?

It seems the big three sports teams in St. Louis put all of their advertising eggs into one single campaign, and stick with it regardless of a team’s actual play. That’s why the Rams were still telling fans that “you gotta believe” when the team was 0-8. Gotta believe in what? That the team could go 0-16? That the Linehan hire was a disaster?

Here’s a humble suggestion: why not have a back-up campaign, just in case the season goes south? One of the Rams’ commercials featured Isaac Bruce claiming, “I believe.” A few games in, that commercial seemed like a cruel joke. How easy would it have been to shoot a second version, with the Rev. Ike saying, “I believe . . . in the Lord above. Our offensive line, however, gives me considerable pause.” The Blues could have shot alternative versions of their commercials featuring Keith Tkachuck saying, “The Bluenote code . . . is more a loose set of guiding principles, with loose being the key word here. In fact, I’m pretty sure codes are forbidden under the current collective bargaining agreement.”

I hope the Cardinals are listening. Right now, their slogan—“Play like a Cardinal”—means playing with much better than expected starting pitching and inspired play by outfielder Rick Ankiel. I hope it stays that way. If in a few months, however, playing like a Cardinal means playing 15 games below .500, we here at Get a Sporting Life humbly offer our services as ad copy writers. Example: “When we said play like a Cardinal, we didn’t say which Cardinal.” (Quick, somebody see if Steve Lake is available to shoot a commercial.)

A Blissful Summer Awaits

A innocent, fresh-faced pre-2007 season Southlandish.

A quick review of yesterday's line scores shows that no other NL Central team was up by four runs in the third. Izturis and Glaus reached base twice, Pujols homered, Ankiel had two RBI, Wainwright gave up only one run, the bullpen was perfect and no one on the roster died. Oh, and the Cubs lost. As such, I've decided to spare myself the anguish from 162 games of soul-crushing, mind-numbing defeat (my that has a nice ring to it). I'm declaring the Cardinal season a wild success, ignoring the rest of the schedule and focusing on the Illini's prospects in football this fall. I'm open to suggestions for a post-Illini focus after declaring victory in the August intra-squad matches....

Thompson's Heater

My fastball pops in the mitt like a cotton ball.

That's Thompson on the mound. When Springer came in The Goat looked at me and said, "Wow. I don't think Springer throws that hard but at least you can actually hear the ball pop in the catcher's mitt."

I'm glad Thompson is saying he's learned to contain his emotions. Here's hoping he's actually learned how to pitch because his heat up in the zone isn't exactly going to be fear inducing to opposing lineups.

The Cards in Ft. Myers....Sort of

Yes. That that beer and brat are sitting on the Cards dugout.

72, sunny and breeze. A Chamber of Commerce day, as they say. A pre-game tailgate brewski and off into the park. Not too much of note yesterday. No Pujols, Molina or Glaus in town, the latter being the a guy I'd like to see swing the bat in person.

Thompson looked pretty good on the mound. Had a rough 3rd but that was in no small part because of a Jimenez brain fart at third when he back up on a ball instead of charging and then instead of making the tag on the runner trying to advance to third or throwing across to first, he instead tossed the ball to second and just missed the force by, oh, 8 to 10 seconds. Then some jackass just behind us started bellowing at La Russa for not coaching that properly. It actually perked up Duncan's ears, who was sitting next to La Russa in a chair on the field. Before I could get the words out of my mouth, the guy next to me said, "Yeah, that was a coaching mistake, but I think we need to go back slap Jimenez' Little League coach." It was even better at the end of the inning when Jimenez came off the field. From third, the natural place to come in is the home plate side of the dugout by La Russa. Jimenez took the circuitous route to the first base side. La Russa was off like a shot in that direction as he entered the dugout. Too funny.

Otherwise, I thought Thompson was ok but he was up in the zone more than he should have been and could have gotten hit more.

If this game was the only thing I knew about Izturis I’d be singing his praises as a signing. A two-RBI rope, a couple of walks and solid at short. Ludwick hit two deep into the alley that may have gotten out on another day without the strong wind knocking it down. Ankiel just seems to effortlessly sting the damned ball. His opposite field double in the alley might have cleared the wall on a calm day and it kind of clunked off the bat. He didn’t even come close to getting good wood on it. It sounded like a short pop-up.

Speaking of pop or lack thereof, the bottom of the lineup was Kennedy, Jiminez, LaRue, Izturis and then back to Schumaker. My how we need a healthy Glaus in that lineup.

Perez was nothing if not exciting* in the 9th. The guys brings serious heat but has no idea where it is going.

*Exciting meaning the result is uncertain and not likely to end well. Think condomless sex with a Port-au-Prince streetwalker.

Dire? Woeful? What Is The Word I Am Looking For?

Miss May or the Cardinals number four starter

Oh yeah, Fugly. It's March 12, four weeks since pitchers and catchers reported:

The Cardinals project a rotation of Wainwright, Looper and three others from a mix including Anthony Reyes, Todd Wellemeyer, Pineiro, Brad Thompson, Mike Parisi and Kyle McClellan. Meanwhile, the Cardinals wait for Matt Clement and Mark Mulder to return from shoulder surgeries.

This sounds about as promising as Hugh Hefner announcing the following:

Playboy projects a Playmate lineup of Tori Spelling, Amy Winehouse and three others from a mix including Oprah, Maggie Thatcher, Eleanor Roosevelt, Joan Rivers, Camilla Parker-Bowles and Courtney Love. Meanwhile, the magazine waits for Carrot Top and Steve Buscemi to return from sex change operations.

If Mrs. Sounthlandish ever reads this, I am soooo never getting laid again.

Cardinals Can't Score in Red Zone Either

The Cardinals could manage only two field goals against the swarming Dodger’s defense in Saturday’s pre-season contest, losing 20-6. Meanwhile, the Dodgers marched up and down the field and finished with a two touchdown victory, with Rafael Furcal racking up 183 yards in total offense. Meanwhile, Braden Looper was sacked four times and hurried all day. After the game, head coach Tony LaRussa commented, "Shoot, we'll get that figured out."

What's In A Name?

Pujols Pounds Pitch Past Preening Pierre in Purina Park

From today's Beckhamania gossip in The Guardian:

Capello will send his general manager, Franco Baldini, to assess the 32-year-old in a friendly against FC Dallas at Pizza Hut Park in Texas on March 15.

Pizza Hut Park. I can't read that in a sentence without cracking up. It reminds me of the days when the new Cardinal ballpark naming rights were being hashed out. To torment my father, a 26-year Cardinal season ticket holder who saw his first games at Sportsmans Park, my brother put on a straight face and told him that a decision had been made to name the new stadium Purina Park. My poor dad just dropped his head and began muttering to himself before my brother let him off the hook.

But the dream isn't dead. Maybe in a couple of years we'll be able to see Becks play against Real Collinsville at a shiny new Puppy Chow Park.

2008: Like Driving Across Kansas

"Not even a telephone pole to ram and end my misery."

When I was courting the future Mrs. Southlandish, I had to drive a long, flat (and seemingly endless) 15 mile road to get to her home. Everyone who has ever driven it swears it’s at least twice as long as it actually is.

That’s what I thought of when a friend of mine aptly assessed the upcoming sports year. “It’s going to be a long time until we get to September and anything we can get excited about.”

To put it charitably, the Illini basketball team is abysmal. The Rose Bowl thumping stings, the Cardinals off-season was dreary even before we re-signed Aaron Fucking Miles for stupid money and I think it is safe to say we won’t be competitive in the NL Central in 2008. The only bright spot on the sports horizon is word that the Illini football recruiting continues to be stellar.

That means waiting until the August 30 Braggin’ Rights Game for any reasonable hope of sporting excitement in my little corner of the world. I guess it’s time to work on that novel I’ve been putting off…..

Jimmy Talk

I don't know that there is much to say about the Edmonds trade since we won't know if it's turned out well until we see how the younger guys produce in CF and where the freed up $$ ultimately ends up.

Personally, given what there is in the free agent market, I hope they don't make a signing for signing's sake. I'd rather write off 2008 and use it for 2009. Or, in the miraculous case we are in contention come late July, look to make a deal for someone we would normally say we can't afford and use the money towards their existing contract or locking up an extension before they hit the free agent market.

UPDATE: lboros has a post up on Viva El Birdos about what to do with the money. His first option of starting pitching is obvious but the names mentioned (colon, jennings, freddy garcia, john lieber, matt clement, rodrigo lopez, mark prior, and kris benson) make me cringe. I still can't believe any pair of them for $10-15 million makes us contenders. His second choice is an OF bat, but despite the lengthy assessment, his heart clearly isn't in it. I still think I'd rather suck it up this year with a payroll under $100 million and hope, Hope, HOPE that next off-season we know exactly what we need (right now who the hell can say what we have and need with so many question marks) and ownership is willing to commit to $$ to get it. For once, I'd like to have the feeling in the off-season that the franchise was willing to do some real spending in a manner that is more than just bargain hunting, stop gap measures.

Rolen Mania

Most of the things I read about the Rolen trade situation focus on the Cards perspective (how much salary to eat, what we need in return, etc). To the extent the other GM's viewpoint is taken into account, it's whether Rolen is healthy and will return to earlier offensive form.

I haven't seen much, if anything, on the other simple and obvious complicating factor that he may be a headcase. It's kinda, sorta said in a roundabout way. I guess since he doesn't mouth off in front of the camera, the enigma factor remains. But any GM has to take it into account if they are thinking about acquiring Rolen - the guy is 0-2 in getting along with managers. Maybe it's no big deal because he never loafs, but do you really want to gamble with a guy coming off injuries and sub-par seasons who doesn't appear to have been happy on a club where in 5.3 seasons he won four division titles, four NLDS, two pennants and a World Series ring?

I don't know what he does or does not get in the way of respect from La Russa in the clubhouse and really don't give a shit, but it sure as hell seems like there is no respect from him towards the guy who has skippered the team to a fuckwad of success (it's a technical term, you can look it up elsewhere) since 2000. Tony may micro-manage and I piss and moan about him sometimes too, but at some point you have to accept that when we look back on the La Russa era-Cards, it is pretty much as a good run of Cardinal baseball as our fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers ever got to witness. Put another way. It sucks to be a Tampa Bay fan.

Let's Get Into The Way Back When Machine

My arrival is as welcome to fans as Frankenstein's was to medieval villagers.

Surveying the wreckage that is the free agent market and the amount of payroll the Cards already have on the book, I was left with a sense of foreboding about any winter signings and I thought of an exercise a friend and I went through years ago. We assembled a list of baseball clichés and sportswriters musings and gave them translations into what they really meant. One popped into my mind as an indication of what I think we have to look forward to in the Hot Stove League:

"His bat speed is glacial, his defensive skills are deteriorating, but he
works hard and comes cheap."

Translation: We just signed Rich Gedman.

Dumber Than Mel Kiper Jr.

That is the phrase du jour at the Southlandish household after I mocked his preseason predictions. I must now bow to the genius that is Kiper in his Illini football prediction of seven or eight wins.

I'm in the same boat as IM, only with the words "Illini" and "bowl bid". Now I'm getting greedy and starting to hope for a bowl game here in Florida so I can go see them play.

I have no illusions about Saturday. Even though we have traditionally played well against the Buckeyes, we'll be mauled. But if we could bounce back and beat Northwestern to close out an 8-4 season, I'll be nothing short of dumbfounded. And to think we had a very real chance to win in all three of our losses to date. That's just crazy.

In other random thoughtlessness:

- No great opinion on the Mo GM position or LaRussa's re-upping for the Cardinals. There is so much work to be done that I don't know where to start to make this club competitive next year. Every time I begin to think about it, I simply give up in despair.

- It's been fun watching Favre lead the Packers to a 7-1 start. That Monday night Denver game was a helluva finish! I see where the traditional Thanksgiving game at Detroit will be against the Pack. That will make for a fun day of grilling turkey, watching football and splashing in the pool. Yes, I am going to rub that in since it has been hotter than ass here since April. We are finally seeing some glorious weather and coming out of our air conditioned hibernations for the first time since early Spring.

- nothing much else on the sporting front is grabbing me these days. Watching some MLS Cup matches (sorry about the DC United flame out, IM) and quite a few Premiership and Champions League games with a bit of the odd La Liga, Serie A & Bundesliga match thrown in. But since I generally don't actually root for anyone except the underdog, there's no passion involved, not that that's a bad thing. Pissing and moaning about the Cards and Illini have already taken untold years off my life so I'm not sure if or when I'll get around to finding a European club to support. Until Real Collinsville FC United launches, the MLS will also remain something enjoyable to watch but nothing that causes me ulcers.

- The next big thing on the horizon is the Illini basketball team and there is a conspicuous "we'll have to wait and see" feeling among the Illini fans I talk to.

Sporting Ennui

The Cardinals have imploded in a spectacular fashion and O.J. Simpson is back in the news. If that isn't enough reason to retreat from the world, I don't know what is. On the bright side, I get to enjoy another four days of seeing 2-1 next to the Illini in the standings. And then the conference schedule begins....

Is That .500 I See Just Above?

Either that or a cliff’s edge called September.

It’s hard to get too excited about the Cardinals, even while it is fun to watch a title battle involving the Cubs. The Sisyphean task of getting back within striking distance of .500 has been gutting. The club is Swiss cheese everywhere but in the bullpen. There are holes in the lineup. Holes in the defense and holes in the starting staff.

It could be written that the past two seasons have been the fun ones to watch with all the warts on full display and weekly setbacks that appeared to doom the season. Some silly wag will undoubtedly write it. But not me. I loved the 2004 and 2005 campaigns. Watching brilliantly executed baseball day in and day out was a joy. Decimating all of the sub-.500 clubs who dare set foot in Busch Stadium. Quaint concerns about Larry Walker's back. Having Ned Yost tell his young Brewer club to watch the Cardinals closely and learn from how they went about their business.

Last year’s championship and this year’s efforts have been like watching sausage being made. And not the good kind that only contains 25 percent pigs' assholes and rat shit.

Still, I’m nothing if not a realist. If this team stalks the Cubs and drags them down for the kill, pulls off a post-season berth and even makes a deep run into October, I’m sure we’ll someday see a crotchety old Southlandish beginning an August 27, 2039 GASL post, “This gutless Cardinal team needs to look to the gritty, determined Redbird teams of 2006-7 who never gave up...”

Revive Me When The Cardinals’ Season Is Over

The painting, titled A Hopeless Dawn, says it all about the Cards season. Every goddamn time I’ve written them off, I look at the standings and find they are still only six out in the lost column, whereupon they promptly drop the next couple of games.

The painting hangs in The Tate Collection in London. According to their guide:

The kneeling woman, comforted by her mother-in-law, realises that her husband is lost at sea, but the open Bible, altar-like table and print on the wall hint at the consolations of religion.

Personally, I’d take a lot more consolation in a healthy Chris Carpenter and some production out of the five hole. But that’s just me.

So This Is What Cubs Fans Feel Like

“How are there still so many Cubs fans around? If every year were like this I’d kill myself.”

Someday I may get around to writing about the Cardinals again, but as long as Fredbird is the most poised and talented performer on the diamond, I just cannot bring myself to give a shit. It doesn't get much more depressing than Saturday when I found myself honestly wondering if they were capable of holding a 15-6 lead in the bottom of the 5th.

How Have We Won 16 Games?

Over the weekend "BillPickle" sent me the following item related to the Cardinals:

Maybe the Cardinals need a Bull Durham moment. Of course since Tony and half the team speak Spanish, he and Jose Oquendo's exchange would be something like this*:

Tony: Usted tipos. Usted lollygag la pelota alrededor del terreno central. Usted lollygag su manera hacia abajo a primero. Usted lollygag en y fuera de la trinchera. ¿Usted sabe lo que que hace usted? ¡Jose!
Jose: ¡Lollygaggers!
Tony: Lollygaggers!
Tony: Jose, lo que es nuestro registro?
Jose: 16 y 23
Tony: 16 y 23, ¿Cómo ganaríamos nosotros 16?
Jose: Es un milagro
Tony: Es un milagro

*Apologies for the translation. I just ran the text through an online translation service.

SOUTHLANDISH: At this point I fear that if La Russa threw the bats at the team in the shower, most of them would wonder what these strange wooden objects were.

Using The "E" Word

From the PD: Sorry, wrong number: zero again

They have discussed the merits of aggression and the need for patience.

They have talked about squeezing every at-bat like it was more precious than a paycheck.

Sunday afternoon, after watching another 2 hours, 28 minutes of offensive futility, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa suggested his team try yet another approach.

Apologize.

Two days after San Diego Padres ace, power arm and budding Cy Young Award candidate Jake Peavy throttled the Cardinals with 10 strikeouts, recent waiver claim Justin Germano used a softer approach to suppress the defending World Series champions for seven innings of a 3-0 Cardinals loss.

Out of fresh theories and increasingly running out of patience, La Russa sided with exasperation in dealing with a familiar line of questioning. Noting starting pitcher Anthony Reyes' five serviceable innings that left him 0-6 in seven starts, La Russa directed reporters to his players for answers.

"Ask the hitters," La Russa said. "Was their approach different? Everything I would ask, I would ask them. They're the guys with the bat. It would be interesting. I haven't had a chance to ask them."

As for what should be said to Reyes?

"Apologize to him. The team hasn't been taking care of him very well," La Russa said. "Apologize. 'Sorry, man, you deserve better.'"

Added La Russa: "I'm just disappointed we didn't do more to win the game and for Anthony. It's embarrassing."

He's right about one thing: It is embarrassing.

Has anyone else noticed that the Cardinals are in a perpetual state of being banged up? Rolen, Edmonds, Pujols, Eckstein, and Encarnacion are more or less always fighting some sort of injury. I know it is a long season and playing with nagging issues is part of the game, but doesn't that presuppose there's at least a little time when players were completely healthy, for at least part of the season? Why were we banged up in the first week of May like it was the first week of September? The result is we are enfeebled. So the fans are left with the walking wounded out there, doing their little zombie shuffle from the dugout to the plate and back to the dugout again.

What makes it all more of a shame is that the pitching has held up surprisingly well, given Carpenter's injury and Wells' general sucking.