Lalas or Lawless

That's the question from today's issue of The Fiver from The Guardian. How they do relish their potshots at Americans:

Barry Glendenning and Tom Lutz
29 May 2007

AMERICAN IDIOT

When David Beckham retires from football at the end of this season and
goes to play for LA Galaxy, he will find a kindred spirit in his new
club president. "It was hard to go places without people recognising
me," former USA! USA! USA! centre-half Alexi Lalas once told an
interviewer. "But if the worst thing that ever happens to me is
signing autographs and having to take pictures with people, I'll have
had a fortunate life." Sadly, it turns out that being constantly
mistaken for time-travelling wizard Catweazle isn't the worst thing
that's going to happen to Alexi now that Fifa has told him he has to
release Beckham for future England friendlies ... if he's selected by
Second-Choice Steve or - after next Wednesday - his successor.

"I don't want to stand in the way of a player representing his country
but we have to be prudent and understand they have to be the
appropriate games," Lalas grumbled upon hearing that Becks had been
recalled to the England squad. But like most of his compatriots, it
seems Lalas doesn't actually know the rules of soccerball - a state
of affairs that was quickly rectified by a Fifa blazer, who opened
the organisation's Giant Book Of Football Rules and began reading
from the chapter entitled The Release Of Players For International
Duty For Dummies. "Players must be released for friendly or
competitive games if they are on the international calendar and the
required notice is given," he harrumphed. "The only difference in
competitive and friendly games is regarding the timeframes. All
players are equal."

Except in America, where the Lalas knows only too well that some LA
Galaxy players have the potential to draw massive crowds to matches
and others are Cobi Jones. Meanwhile back in Blighty, Second-Choice
Steve's Ultra Brite smile faded today when it became apparent that
groin-knack has ruled Rio Ferdinand (and Michael Dawson, whoever he
is) out of England's upcoming matches against Brazil and the mighty
Estonia. Rio's absence will leave Second-Choice Steve without three
first-choice defenders for his must-win Euro qualifier against
Estonia. It's grim news for England - the 110th-ranked team in the
world has scored a whopping no goals whatsoever in five Euro 2008
qualifiers to date.

I can't fault the criticisms save for one. Though I like Barry Glendenning's smartass commentary on The Guardian's weekly podcast, it's pretty rich reading a 'soccerball' comment from an Irishman. Everyone who has ever read an Irish newspaper knows that there is a section for football that is GAELIC football and the section for the game where a round ball is kicked about is labeled SOCCER. We'll just assume Lutz was responsible for that paragraph.