Double Shot BCTP

"One of us shall remain an unnamed pasty, ballless prick. The other is on the left."

As a shout out to JoMo in a dreadful off-season let me offer up these gems:


General Manager: "We're negotiating in good faith."

Translation: His agent is a prick.



Agent: "A lot of clubs have expressed interest"

Translation: He received several nice Christmas cards from ex-managers.

That's Just Not Right

Today the New York Times, on its front page no less, compares Missouri's being #1 in college football polls to Albania winning the World Cup.

Oh, I think that's the media ref throwing a flag for unnecessary belittling!

The appropriate analogy would have been Ecuador winning the World Cup. You can't really see them winning it all, but you can see them getting to the final tournament at least. From that point its improbable but not impossible.

Albania winning the World Cup would be more like Akron winning the BCS Bowl, or the Blues winning a Stanley Cup. Theoretically possible...but in the world we actually lnhabit simple nonsense.

I've Got Nothing

Thanks to El Birdos I've now got a new way to waste time. Just what I needed.

I'm Gonna Bitch & Moan

...Because that's just what I do.

Great, Mizzou won. I'm quite happy about it. They were CLEARLY the best team and it was well deserved.

The officiating crew, however, should be stripped naked and staked to ant hills. It was as if they were single handedly determined to keep Kansas in the game. The final total on penalties was 14 on Missouri (140 yards) to 2 on Kansas (25 yards). This doesn't count at least three penalties on Mizzou that were declined by Kansas. If Missouri looked at a Kansas player the flag was thrown. But, magically, Maclin getting lit up by a safety a full second before a pass arrives doesn't call for a flag, and a very dangerous block from behind below the knees gets "missed." Not to mention that twice Missouri was called for ticky-tack "retaliation" penalties after Kansas cheap shots. A solid 50% of the calls were made by the same white-haired asshole, I mean linesman, I pointed out at halftime.

It pisses me off because I didn't just want to beat Kasas, I wanted to humble them.

Halftime (Crap)

Well, that was a series of missed opportunities to bury Kansas. I should have known things would not go smoothly when Maclin twice should have gone for TD's on returns and first he trips over his own blocker and, second, relies on his blocker to put the punter down...which his blocker fails miserably at. Ugh.

Still....Missouri has been much the best to this point, even with some shoddy play calling. (Shouldn't you throw beyond the sticks on fourth and one?!?) Plus, Kansas got the benefit of some questionable decisions, including a truly horrible personal foul call against Missouri. Oh, and I'm calling it. The near side linesman has to be a Kansas alum because his work has been pretty damn bad and anti-Mizzou in effect.

I'll take 14-0, but it could/should have been 24-0. Here is to hoping that it doesn't come back to bite us in the ass.

Okay, I'll Give You That I'm An Idiot

Remember back when I was proud because I predicted the score of the Missouri/Ole Miss game to within a single point? Remember, also, back when I predicted a 7-5 campaign for the Tigers? Well, I long for those nice simple days.

Today I woke up at 6AM and wasn't able to get back to sleep because I'm excited about the "big game" which was 13 hours away at that point. (Trust me, the over/under on my being asleep on a Thanksgiving Holiday Saturday is usually set at 11AM...with the smart money on the over.) I'm just getting over the flu, so it isn't as if I can start making bloody marys to take the edge off. (Are mimosas more soothing on the stomach?) So, I'm sitting here fidgeting, watching the clock and waiting while the acid begins to build in my gut.

I'll say this though: I've seen Mizzou play a few times, and I've seen Kansas twice. Mizzou should win this one handily. Back in August I predicted 41-17 Missouri, and that should be about right...except everything is different now. The stakes are not just about the big rivalry game, and I worry the Tigers will not react well. But Kansas hasn't been in this position either.

Besides, it is high time Kansas got payback for 1960.

And, for no particular reason, here is a photo of Miss America/Miss Universe from 1960. C'mon Mizzou! Let's do it for her too!

Is That LSU? No, It's Just The Latest Turd Down the Toilet.

"The odds don't lie. A fetching young Farrah Fawcett is going to be visiting my bed tonight.

As a man who is officially dumber than Mel Kiper Jr. once said in an obscure blog comment:

But I feel it in my bones that someone is going to be left out and the whole notion of a title game will be a farce, yet someone will have walked away having 'earned' the national championship on the field.

At least for the next 20 hours or so Kansas is in the drivers seat, with Mizzou in a disturbingly advantageous position. Those words sound as strange to me as the ones from The Great American Novel, "Farrah peeled away the bright red swimsuit, thrust her taut nipples into the face of her 12 year old steed and....quivering....lowered her hips onto his waiting, uh, make that his not-too-distant semblance of manhood...."

Sure, it's late on a holiday weekend night and I've plenty on board but if two congnacs and a bottle of chianti have me believing in fairy dust, Jesus, or The Skunk Ape then I can't be blamed for my disorientation knowing that Mizzou is playing a game in late November that could keep them in the National Championship hunt and the Illini are bizarrely in a potential position for a BCS Bowl Game. Hey, even a horny 12 year old in 1978 would have bet that he'd fuck Farrah before Mizzou and the Illini would both be in this position. Oh, and the 12 year old's fantasy position for Farrah would have been doggy with a loooooooong reach around to tune the radio dial on those spiky nips (yeah, that's for you Walt). That should get GASL back into the X rating area....

New GM, Same Ol' Deck-Chair Reshuffling

The PD gives us this news:

John Mozeliak reached outside the organization for the first time as Cardinals general manager Monday.

The club signed free-agent catcher Jason LaRue as the backup to Yadier Molina and added depth by agreeing with starting pitchers Dewon Brazelton and John Wasdin on minor-league contracts.

LaRue assumes the roster spot held by Gary Bennett the past two seasons. Brazelton, a former first-round draft pick of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, and Wasdin will bring major-league experience to the Memphis Redbirds rotation.

Well thank goodness...I was really starting to worry about that Memphis starting rotation.

I don't have any problem with the LaRue signing, actually. He might never recover offensively, but he can't be all that different from the dynamic tandem of Bennett & Stinnet.

Yes I Noticed

I've been trying not to get too excited about Tiger football...but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Thanks to the Illini beating Ohio State and Arizona beating Oregon last night, Mizzou "controls their own destiny" vis-a-vis the National Championship. This is, of course, just crazy talk: the mad ravings of a lunatic who doesn't realize that the University of Missouri is a perpetual so-so basketball power and a laughingstock in the world of college football.

But the fact remains, if Mizzou can beat Kansas St. tomorrow, Kansas next week, and Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship game, there is no way they will not finish in the BCS Top 2.

So this is what it is like.

I think I'll need some Rolaids.

BCTP Continued

"Bud Smith's 75 mph heater is on the roster, right?"

Manager: "He's 'sneaky-quick'."

Translation: There is no objective measure by which this guy can be said to have a fastball, yet sadly he still isn't the rag arm of our staff.

Ebbsfleet United FC?

Who or What or Where, in the name of all thats holy, is Ebbsfleet?

MyFootballClub has agreed a deal in principle to purchase a controlling stake in Ebbsfleet United FC. Placed 9th in the Conference, Ebbsfleet United FC is one promotion from reaching the Football League for the first time in its history.

MyFootballClub members will also have the option to buy 100% of the football club in the future for a fixed price.

Funds will be made available to Liam Daish during the January transfer window to help the club push towards the play-off places.

Southlandish brought us the word about MyFootballClub way back when, and now they have gone and done something. Good luck to them. I thought about chipping in, but I didn't think I could sell the wife on the idea.

I know, I know, isn't owning a stake in an English Conference soccer club everyone's dream?

Would That The World Actually Worked This Way

From the Onion:Tampa Bay Devil Rays Change Name, Uniform, Sport

TAMPA BAY, FL—Tampa Bay Devil Rays officials announced Monday that the team will be shortening its name to the "Tampa Bay Rays," that their updated uniforms will feature a blue-and-white color scheme accented by orange rays of sunshine, and that they are now a minor-league hockey team in the Florida Panthers system. "We tried the combination of calling ourselves the Devil Rays, wearing purple-and-black uniforms, and playing the sport of baseball for 10 years, and it just didn't work out," said Rays goalie Carl Crawford, noting that it was time to move the franchise away from its association with the distinctly shaped sea-dwelling mammal, the diabolical connotations of their team nickname, and the practice of hitting and catching baseballs. "These changes will make our team more marketable, triple our fan base, and finally, give us a realistic chance to win. I can't wait to get back on the ice!" The Tampa Bay Rays will play their first game of the Mid-Atlantic Hockey League season tomorrow night against their in-state expansion team rivals, the Miami Ice Dolphins.

It's funny because it should be true.

A Bridge Too Far

"Oh baby! A couple more hands like this and you'll be seeing me on ESPN's Extreme Bridge Smackdown 2007."

Can no sport be free of scandal? Next thing you know, Putt-Putt Golf will be investigating match fixing accusations:

In the genteel world of bridge, disputes are usually handled quietly and rarely involve issues of national policy. But in a...brouhaha over an anti-Bush statement...a team of women who represented the United States at the world bridge championships in Shanghai last month is facing sanctions, including a yearlong ban from competition, for a spur-of-the-moment protest.

At issue is a crudely lettered sign, scribbled on the back of a menu, that was held up at an awards dinner and read, “We did not vote for Bush.”

By e-mail, angry bridge players have accused the women of “treason” and “sedition.”

After two years of being rocked by doping allegations, I'm not sure Bridge can survive this and remain a top American spectator sport.

A Little Ron Zook Context

"FU UF!"

For what it's worth, here's some interesting information on Zook at Florida in an article at InsideIllini.com (H/T to The Goat):

The truth is, Ron Zook always has been a terrific coach. His first two years at Florida were his first ever as a head coach after 25 plus years as an assistant. It takes a little time to make that transition and you make some mistakes. But that apparently was enough to convince some folks that he couldn't coach.

People apparently didn't notice that at Florida, he didn't inherit one player who went on to become a fulltime NFL starter? Not one. At Florida? Yet he still got to two Outback Bowls and finished 6-2 in the SEC both of his full years. Then he rebuilt that program into one with a national championship roster. Plenty of those guys, by the way, already are starting in the NFL. And there are more to come.

Zook's SEC record at Florida -- despite that it was his first head gig, despite what he inherited and being fired midway through his third season -- was 16-8. Urban Meyer's three-year SEC record is 17-7, one game better.

Wow. Just Wow.

We pushed Ohio State's defensive line around and held possession of the ball for all but 74 seconds of the fourth quarter. Holy shit. Viagra has nothing on a win like that. Four hours?!? I'm at 40 and counting, baby....

Hall of Fame Quotage

"Children, gather around. You can learn a lot about life from sports."

What I wouldn't give to hear sports quotes like this in America. From the November 9 issue of The Guardian's The Fiver:

Rochdale manager Keith Hill is growing frustrated with his side's recent flaccid performances. "You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft p0rn - there is an awful lot of foreplay but not a great deal going on in the box," he parped ahead of tomorrow's FA Cup game against Southend.

A Nice Tan Is The First Ten Pounds Of Any Decent Diet

I just signed a huge five year contract. Did you really think I was going to waste my off-season eating tofu and pumping iron?!?!

Time for another installment of The Baseball Cliché Translation Project. Fuck it. I'm not going to type that out every time. From here on out it's called BCTP.

Manager: "He is really showing us a lot in the early workouts"

Translation: He showed up at camp 40 pounds overweight.

The Baseball Cliché Translation Project

Even naive 10 year old Midwestern boys knew the Cardinals weren't going to win the pennant with my fastball. On the other hand, my penmanship is nothing if not stylish.


Since everyone should have something useless and unproductive to work on during the off-season (as opposed to the industriousness of drinking beer and watching baseball all summer), GASL is launching The Official Baseball Cliché Translation Project. See it's genesis here. This announcement will come as a surprise to the boss, IM, but what the hell.

I've already got about sixty baseball clichés assembled (real and fictional) and I'm going to post them over the off-season. If anyone has any to add, put them in comments. And we're off....

Manager: "He's just got a couple of things he needs to work on in the off-season."

Translation: His fastball and his off speed stuff.

Let's Get Into The Way Back When Machine

My arrival is as welcome to fans as Frankenstein's was to medieval villagers.

Surveying the wreckage that is the free agent market and the amount of payroll the Cards already have on the book, I was left with a sense of foreboding about any winter signings and I thought of an exercise a friend and I went through years ago. We assembled a list of baseball clichés and sportswriters musings and gave them translations into what they really meant. One popped into my mind as an indication of what I think we have to look forward to in the Hot Stove League:

"His bat speed is glacial, his defensive skills are deteriorating, but he
works hard and comes cheap."

Translation: We just signed Rich Gedman.

Dumber Than Mel Kiper Jr.

That is the phrase du jour at the Southlandish household after I mocked his preseason predictions. I must now bow to the genius that is Kiper in his Illini football prediction of seven or eight wins.

I'm in the same boat as IM, only with the words "Illini" and "bowl bid". Now I'm getting greedy and starting to hope for a bowl game here in Florida so I can go see them play.

I have no illusions about Saturday. Even though we have traditionally played well against the Buckeyes, we'll be mauled. But if we could bounce back and beat Northwestern to close out an 8-4 season, I'll be nothing short of dumbfounded. And to think we had a very real chance to win in all three of our losses to date. That's just crazy.

In other random thoughtlessness:

- No great opinion on the Mo GM position or LaRussa's re-upping for the Cardinals. There is so much work to be done that I don't know where to start to make this club competitive next year. Every time I begin to think about it, I simply give up in despair.

- It's been fun watching Favre lead the Packers to a 7-1 start. That Monday night Denver game was a helluva finish! I see where the traditional Thanksgiving game at Detroit will be against the Pack. That will make for a fun day of grilling turkey, watching football and splashing in the pool. Yes, I am going to rub that in since it has been hotter than ass here since April. We are finally seeing some glorious weather and coming out of our air conditioned hibernations for the first time since early Spring.

- nothing much else on the sporting front is grabbing me these days. Watching some MLS Cup matches (sorry about the DC United flame out, IM) and quite a few Premiership and Champions League games with a bit of the odd La Liga, Serie A & Bundesliga match thrown in. But since I generally don't actually root for anyone except the underdog, there's no passion involved, not that that's a bad thing. Pissing and moaning about the Cards and Illini have already taken untold years off my life so I'm not sure if or when I'll get around to finding a European club to support. Until Real Collinsville FC United launches, the MLS will also remain something enjoyable to watch but nothing that causes me ulcers.

- The next big thing on the horizon is the Illini basketball team and there is a conspicuous "we'll have to wait and see" feeling among the Illini fans I talk to.

No Words

I've no idea what to do with myself these days. I find myself doing things I've never dreamt of doing in the past, like looking at the BCS rankings with a legitimate rooting interest; coming up with scenarios where Mizzou is playing for the National Championship; writing sentences that include the words "Mizzou" and "National Championship" and DON'T include the words "fat chance."

I would have loved dearly to watch the Colorado game this weekend...as would anyone who lived through the "fifth down" game, but it has been almost as much fun to read the aftermath of it all. Mizzou's beatdown on the Buffs didn't get the press that the Jayhawks dropping 76 on Nebraska did, but it was the Tigers who had the better day. Hell, if it wasn't for two miscues (one by the offense, the other on special teams) Mizzou might have shut Colorado out. For a defense that was finding its way early on this season, that is huge.

Now it is Texas A&M at home and Kansas State on the road. And then........

No. I'll just hold off on thinking that far ahead.